Do you ever feel like you are walking in circles and getting nowhere? I often do. Being a stay at home/homeschooling mom makes me feel that way a lot. Day after day, week after week, the same ordinary things happen. The kids change and get older, as do I, but I often feel a sense of wonder about whether what I am doing is making a difference in the world. This is not a post about homeschooling, because I believe wholeheartedly that God has called me to do this. Not that I am against public school, because I am not, but more so against how children are being raised or not raised by their parents in today's world.
So many times I have heard in sermons and read in the Bible that we are not saved by our good works. I know this, and believe it. However, the Bible also states that by our good works we shall be recognized. What I have come to realize by this verse is that we are sometimes the only Bible that people read. It is by how we act or react that people either see Christ in us, or don't. I struggle in this area, because I let my anger and control issues sometimes take over, and I am sure beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am not showing anyone Christ in me. Probably the opposite actually.
My younger children are still in the molding stages. They accept Christ at face value and don't ever question the Bible's teachings. They wander around the house singing their little Bible songs from church, and are pretty accepting of everything that is held within it's pages.
My oldest child however is at the age of questioning everything he has been taught through the years, seen every mistake I've made (most with him as he is the oldest) and actually seen how ugly the world can be somewhat. He has no belief system right now, and as scary as that is for me, I know that God has a reason this is so. I remember when I was 18. I had been brought up in church, was sick of attending church, and wanted my Sundays free to do what I wanted. I completely stopped attending church for about 5 years. I think I still believed in God, but honestly I don't really think I thought too much about Him. I think I was a lot like Matt in that respect.
I don't remember my parents hounding me to go to church, or to find a campus ministry program at college, or suggesting I find a church, but even if they had said those things I probably wasn't listening anyway.
Now as a parent it saddens me to see Matt starting out in life without Christ as his guide. It scares me. It cuts like a knife. I feel like a failure for not leading him straight toward Christ. I feel like I haven't done my job. I guess I always thought there would be time for that, but the world continued rotating it's way around the sun year after year, and all those plans I had locked in my head, never made it's way to Matt. Day after day, week after week, I had many chances. As I was walking the circles of my daily life, I missed the path I was supposed to take to lead Matt where he needed to go.
I hope and pray he will find Him again someday, but I know now that I have lost my chance at leading my child to Christ. The control freak in me thought I had lead him there several years ago, but I was wrong. I made the terrible mistake of pushing it all on him and not letting him make his own choices. He is not angry at me about it. It just doesn't matter to him right now.
Please pray for Matt, if you have a little time to do so. Pray for his future, and for his safety. He was accepted at OTI (Ohio Tech) over the weekend. If all the pieces fall into place financially for him to go, he will be moving out next Fall, and be on his own for the first time in his life. I'm both excited and sad. Time passed so quickly. I wish sometimes that I could magically turn the hands of time backwards a wee bit, so I could have all my kids be little again. Hunter and Ethan are growing so fast. I can't believe they are the ages that they are either. Life is certainly melancholy.
We've had such a fun summer visiting so many of our friends and family this year. I am filled to overflowing.
I am so lucky to have friends and family that I am so very close to, and love so dearly. They bless our lives each and every moment we are near them. I hope that we are a blessing as well.