It is 8 am on a Wednesday, as I sit looking out the window on this glorious day that God has provided for us all to enjoy. The boys are still sleeping. It is my time to focus on the day ahead, and worship God in my own humble way. God is so good!
I have been doing a bible study on the Titus II woman. This has been such a difficult struggle for me because I really don't want to be a Titus II woman yet. I don't want to be the older woman giving advise to younger women, although I have a few friends that I frequently visit with, that are in actuality, younger moms. I just am uneasy about accepting the role as an older woman. I never thought turning 40 would be so hard. I somehow feel that a door has been slammed in my face, and I now walk the path of middle age.
I have asked the Lord to help me accept this new role, and to be open to what He wants, and not what I want. Why am I so sad lately? I have never suffered from depression, or even postpartum depression.
Some great things have happened to us recently though, that I feel compelled to share. We have found a new church. As some of you know, it has been a struggle leaving our beloved old church. We have made so many friends there, but will continue with those relationships. We are Christians after all, and God in my humble opinion, does not favor one denomination over another.
It was a long difficult decision to leave, but I felt that I was no longer growing as a Christian. I was staying the same. Not hungry, like I used to be. It scared me. I thought at first that it was because I was burnt out from teaching Sunday School for so many years. Dealing with 22, 2 & 3 year olds 2 Sundays every month, would drive anyone insane. Then I thought maybe it was because our family was grieving the loss of Scott's dad. Scott's aunt talked to me a lot about becoming Catholic. Scott and I knew in our hearts that that was not for us. I was trying to make sense of it all. The stress of dealing with 3 additional family members was taking it's toll on me. Scott's family has severe processing problems. Scott does too, and he admits that. Sometimes I wondered whether I made the right decision to marry Scott, although I didn't recognize these problems when we were courting. I have to be honest, and say that I have lost it quite a few times with them. More than I should have. I just never thought I would be helping raise a BIL, a UIL, and a MIL, plus a DH. I remember once, after Scott and I were married for 2 or 3 years, I was going through some old papers in our file cabinet, tossing out things that were no longer relevant, and I came across Scott's medical records file. Of course I peeked, I was his wife. I would expect that he would peek at mine. It had lots of records from when he was a kid up to his adulthood. On most of the records the doctor had listed Scott as mentally retarded. How could that be, I asked myself? I felt betrayed. Had they mixed up his documents with his brother's? I was confused. After being married to him for so many years, I can see what the doctor meant. I love Scott with all my heart, and always will. He was my angel sent from God. Yet, I feel sad because we will never have the relationship that we would have if he were "normal". I use that term lightly, because in most ways he is normal; and what does "normal" mean anyway? That someone conforms to certain standards set by someone else. How many of us are really "normal"? Actually, in a moral sense, he is more "normal" than most people. He has very moral standards that he stands behind. This was one of the things that I fell in love with. I sometimes wonder if his narcolepsy is a result of his handicap? I pray each day that my children will not have these processing issues. Skaterboy definitely does not, and Truthseeker doesn't appear to either; Thumbody, I am still unsure about.
So I have all these mixed emotions going on, and possibly early menopause to boot. Why me? God has lead me in many directions lately, and of course, they were all good directions. He always points me to scripture, and that helps tremendously. When we were seeing problems in our old church, and the ways it was being run, God directed me to the books of Timothy; When I was feeling blue about all the stress I was under, God led me to Proverbs, and Revelation; And now, I am being let to Titus. Why Titus? I ask Him. I am sure he will reveal His answer to me someday, even if it isn't here on Earth.
My outlook lately has been better. The new church I believe God has lead us to, has brought back my joy, and hunger for the Lord. I feel at peace. Which I haven't felt in a very long time. I am joyful to worship our Lord again. I no longer feel like Satan is clouding my vision, and my focus is not on what Satan will do to us next, but what God will do. He is so much stronger and wiser. Satan has no power over Him. Everything feels right now, as it should.
Have a Great Day :)