It's so hard to put into words sometimes what we feel deep inside. Sometimes our vision gets clouded by the many burdens that we carry day to day. We lose sight of our blessings. It's been a difficult Summer to say the least. Maybe not as difficult as last Summer, but internally difficult for me. Last Summer I spent a lot of time sinning. I was angry at a lot of things that had happened, and angry because I could not control what was going on in my very own family. I felt lost. Scott's dad had died in May, and left us with 3 more family members to help take care of. Not what I had in mind. They became a burden to me, and I hated them for it. I was not getting the nurturing that I needed at church, so I turned from God. I can't really blame the church, because I hadn't really asked for any nurturing for myself. I had lost friends, because I chose not to keep in touch. I found myself angry at the world, and God, while I had 3 beautiful blessings here on earth, with me, that I feel I emotionally forgot about. Oh, they were given lots of hugs and kisses, and of course (as I am their teacher), were taught what they needed to know, for their grade level. I just wasn't emotionally there. I had sinned dearly, and God was punishing me, or so I thought.
I remember quite a few months back, thinking that I would never be able to escape the desolation that I felt. I began reading book after book, looking for answers. I read the Bible, and searched in there for the answers. Some answers were revealed through those sources. I still felt lost, missing out on the blessings before me. I needed a change. I made it sound like the family needed a change, but really it was me. We changed churches. This helped a little. Still feeling sorry for myself, and burdened, I persisted in my struggle. Why wasn't God taking these burdens from me? I kept trying to give them to him, but why wasn't he accepting them? Maybe it was because I wasn't truly giving them to him, and I didn't recognize that they weren't burdens, but blessings.
I have recently realized, that compared to a lot of people's lives, mine has been pretty blessed, thus far. It hasn't been perfect, but it has definitely been blessed. I can choose to feel depressed and beaten down by the things I can't control, or I can take the time to feel blessed with what we have, whether I receive any other blessings in life, or not. It's my choice.
So, for today, I am saying goodbye for now. I need to spend more time with my kids. We need to unplug, and make memories together. Today, I read on another woman's blog (who recently experienced tragedy) that we need to dust off those video cameras, and film as much as we can, before it's too late. I am going to do just that.
If you're anything like me, you always weigh your decisions. So many times, I haven't called or visited someone I love, because I felt guilty about spending the money to do so. Scott and I have changed vacation plans so many times, because I felt that a certain trip was beyond our budget, and that a cheaper destination would be better. When we returned home, I always felt a little disappointed in the outcome, because it wasn't our original plan. I always felt like I wasn't worth spending a little extra on. I can't recall the last new thing I purchased for myself. Wait, I know, a $1 pair of flip flops at Walmart. I need to remember myself also. It's so easy to type things out of books, and suggestions that I someday want to try, but never do. I need to start living my life. I really do. I need to laugh out loud, I need to love with all my heart, and I need to mostly trust in God. Nothing is really important on this earth, but Him. None of this would even be here, if it weren't for Him. What we have, or what we own, doesn't matter one little bit. I think I finally know what my purpose is. Yay!!!