What We've Been Up To Lately

Hunter had his fall piano recital and did a great job!

Matt and his date Emily before the Homecoming dance at LCHS. He doubled with his friend Josh and his date.

Hunter at his piano recital with others who take lessons with Heidi.

Hunter playing his recital pieces (this is a posed photo, as no photos were aloud during the recital).

Hunter and his piano teacher Heidi. She is a very accomplished classical pianist.

STL Cardinals vs. Brewers game.

Enjoying our first MLB game.

A quick shot of Nonnie and Papa.

All the boys were very much into the game. I have to admit it was fun to watch, and I had my crochet hook and a ball of cotton yarn. I completed an entire dishcloth (start to finish) during the game.

Me and one of my boys. The one that is most like me in so many ways.

4 little pumpkins laying hanging on a vine.

The first one said, "Oh my, I'm looking fine."

The 2nd said, " I smell winter in the air."

The 3rd one said, "but we don't care."

The 4th one said, "We'll roll, and roll, and roll."

Ooooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! and OUT went the light,

and the 4 little pumkins rolled out of sight.

Crockpot Applesauce! YUM! It must be Fall.

Oatsies! Double Yum! A chocoholics dream!

Our 20lbs of organic beef. Stocking our freezers for a long cold winter.

12 organic chickens and 1 20lb. organic Tom for Thanksgiving Day.

2 cuddly little kittens to brighten the long winter ahead. They are basically twin tabbys. Hunter named his Stripes, and Ethan named his Fluffy.

Last but surely not least. Close friends to spend the night, and play board games with. It truly is a wonderful Life.

Vacation Photos - Day 1- Observing nature.

I have so many photos from our vacation last week, that there is absolutely no way that I can post them all in one day. I will have to post some every day, but I will try to keep them in order. So check back regularly. One thing that I have noticed this trip, probably more than I have noticed any other time in my boys is their fondness of nature. Charlotte Mason said that one of the most important learning experiences for a child is learning the art of observation in nature, and your surroundings. Over the past year, I have noticed that their fondness for nature was growing, and the fire for learning about nature was maturing in them. On this particular trip however, I noticed for the first time, unguided observation of nature, in my children. Let me explain more clearly, in case I am not making sense. For the past year, we have been doing weekly nature studies, learning to observe nature as it unfolds around us. We have studied many things. Different plants, trees, flowers, animals, birds, seasons, etc. The kids have sketched and painted in their nature notebooks. They have learned the scientific names for these different things we have studied. They have gone on numerous field trips and nature walks, learning from park rangers, and through the use of nature guides. But until this trip, I hadn't felt that they had grasped exactly what Charlotte Mason meant when she stated how important personal observation of nature was to children.

Then I saw it, when I wasn't even watching for it. My 5 year old crouching down to observe something. I was talking to my grandma, but watching him at the same time. He was about 5 feet from me, and my heart skipped a beat as he ever so gently lifted a rock on my grandma's patio, and crouched down even closer to watch what was going on under that rock. He observed in silence, studying every so carefully, like I had never seen him do before. For moments on end he continued to observe, quietly taking it all in. It was at that moment that I knew what Charlotte Mason meant.

She stated all so eloquently that parents should not fill their children's minds with what they know about nature. That children should have the freedom to explore and observe, and ask if they feel inclined to. But only if they feel inclined. Watching Thumbody at that moment made every minute I spent on nature study this year worthwhile. I hadn't taught him this, no matter how much I would have loved the credit. This was instinctive, and unguided; all his doing. I'm so proud of my little guy, and my big boys too. They are all very attentive to nature. Pointing out certain birds by name, or noticing small animals that might be overlooked. Or even insects, like Thumbody found. It's just the beginning, of a world of learning more about God's creation. What could be finer?
Fishing off of Nonnie and Papa's dock.

Thumbody tries his hand at fishing, for the first time.

Can you see the excitement in his eyes?

Skaterboy is digging into the big bait box on the dock.

Truthseeker waits patiently for a bite.

THE WEEK THAT LIES AHEAD...

Today is a bright and sunny "hot" afternoon. I use the term "hot" loosely because in Illinois, it is rarely ever really "hot". So when I say "hot", I mean that it's not very comfortable outside. Too warm for my taste anyway.

It is Sunday. We returned this past Wednesday from our 2 week trip to Missouri and Oklahoma, to see my niece and nephew graduate from high school. We spent a very nice week in Branson, sightseeing, and some light days of schooling inter-mixed. We visited many relatives. Those we see regularly and those that I hadn't seen in 8+ years.

The drive home was nice, and the 6 hours passed quite quickly. I returned home at around 6 p.m. on Wednesday night. My husband, who had to work, and wasn't able to join me and the kids, was anxiously awaiting our return. I smiled at him as I walked through the door, so very glad to be home. He was wearing shorts and a t-shirt, and I looked down, and saw that his left left leg looked very red and swollen. I asked him if he had gone to the doctor for that, and he said "not yet". I felt the red area, and it felt hot, so I told him that he should really go to the ER, because it looked infected. My biggest fear was that he might have a staff infection because he does work in a hospital, and he does deal with patients quite a lot, so I felt he better get it checked out right away. His entire leg from his knee to his ankle was red, so it spanned a pretty large area.

Now, the very last thing I wanted to do that night was sit in the ER with my husband. I just wanted to relax, but I hadn't seen him in 2 weeks, and I missed him. We dropped the kids off at his mom's and we went to the ER. It was a very busy night there, and by the time the doctor came in, ordered blood tests, and a sonogram was done, it was midnight. The prognosis is that Scott has cellulitis. He doesn't know how he got it, probably at work, but not sure. He is currently taking an antibiotic, and got a shot in the rear end while we were in the ER. The kids thought this was very funny.

Since that day, I have been unpacking, and cleaning. We did manage to get away Friday morning for our weekly homeschool playgroup at a local park, and we had a nice visit with a friend who stopped by yesterday afternoon.

Last night, Skaterboy had his best friend spend the night, and we had the chance to use our Christmas present from my mom and dad, for the first time. I only got it last week, that is why this was our first time using it. Parts of it were very breakable, so it couldn't be mailed. What was it, you ask? A Cold Stone Creamery set, so we could make our own Cold Stone Ice cream. If you've had this type of ice cream before, you will know that they hand-mix your choice of ice cream with mix-in's of your choice on a marble stone that has been chilled, with two paddles, to create a wonderful concoction of ice cream heaven. So our set included the marble stone, 2 paddles, a huge variety of mix-ins, 2 ice cream scoop, 5 cute ceramic ice cream bowls, and a gift card for ice cream. Cool present. No pun intended :)

So last night, we had fun making different concoctions, and the consensus was that this was the best ice cream that they had ever had. Even Skaterboy's friend agreed. I have to admit, that my vanilla, cashew, toffee, peanut, m&m, Andes mint, pretzel treat was out of this world "good"!

Today was rush, rush, rush, it seems. Rushing to get everyone up for church, rushing to get to church, rushing to finish our Sunday School lesson before church started, and then rushing to get home, before Scott had to leave for work.

I knew that I needed Scott to rototill a small patch by our shed for about 10 tomato plants that were given to us yesterday, and needed to get into the ground. So we hurried and ate lunch, then he tilled while I helped the boys clean their bedroom. This had to be done before they could go outside and play with friends. After he was done tilling, I ironed his shirt for work, and off he went. I went back to the kids' room, to finish up, and then decided to check my email. We are picking up our 12 organic chickens this Saturday, and I needed to see if she had sent me an email of what time to come get them. She did, and everything is set for Saturday, I just have to clean out my deep freeze so there is room for 12 chickens in there. I then decided to plant the tomato plants, which didn't take too long. I decided to put the tomato cages on them now, so I didn't have to do that later on. I then decided to clean up the front of the house, by aerating the mulch out front, and planting some new herbs in the planters on the porch, and on both sides of the glider. In the planters by the glider, I planted peppermint in one, and fennel in the other. In the two hanging pots, I planted jack in the pulpit in one, and chamomile in the other. I weeded out the irises, and pulled any dead tops off them. I then watered them all, and mulched around the purple cone flowers. I am pleased with how it looks.

I also sorted crayons. I know this sounds sort of strange, but my sister runs a daycare in her home, and while there, I saw the coolest thing. If anyone appreciates this tip, homeschooler's might. She had all her crayons divided into cups, with each cup being designated for that color only. So I spent time putting all the greens together, blues together, oranges together, etc. This may seem like an unimportant and tedious task, but when you have more than one child that might be coloring at the same time, and a huge tub a crayons, it is easier if there are plenty of that color to go around, let me tell you from experience. All the crayon cups fit nicely into a plastic tray, so they are kept together neatly.

I have a few more things on my list to complete for the day, and then I am calling it quits. I want to do a few relaxing things too. So as I type this, which should be a relaxing task, I am arguing with my 5 year old who is standing next to me in his underwear, wanting me to get him a new pair of shorts, because he no longer wants to wear the shorts he had on. There is nothing wrong with shorts he had on. It's a daily battle. He's currently in the change your clothes many times a day mode. I thought girls only did that.

I came home to what I think is a pregnant dog. She is a dachshund, and her girth is much wider than it was when we left. Her nipples are also swollen. I thought we had been told that she was fixed before we got her, but it may have been a misunderstanding, now that I think about it. My biggest concern is that her boyfriend appears to be a German Shepherd. We have seen him trying to mate with her before, but it's always been quite comical to watch, because he is so much larger than her, that it simply doesn't work, if you know what I mean. There are many other smaller dogs on the block too, and our neighbor actually has 2 male dogs that are out sometimes, that are about her size. One is a Yorkie, and the other is a Pug. I am hoping that one of them is the father. So what do you call a Dachshund/Yorkie mix? A Dorkie? How about a Dachshund/Pug mix? A Dug? or is it a Pachshund? Whatever they are, I am hoping that they are not half German Shepherd. I'm afraid the puppies might kill her. She has a long body, but she's pretty short to the ground. I wonder if her belly will drag the floor when she gets really big?? It shouldn't matter, all she seems to do these days is snore on the floor, like she is doing right now, next to me. I was also wondering, " Can a dog have sleep apnea?" She snores almost as loud as my husband used to before his c-pap machine. Do they make c-pap's for dogs? I wonder?

What lies ahead this coming week? To Bloomington tomorrow to the doctor for Scott's leg check-up, which I don't mind, because he and I will eat at Ming's, like we always do when we go to Bloomington, and that's a treat. They have the best sushi bar.

Wednesday we have our annual homeschool year end picnic, where we bring old homeschool materials we are no longer using, to exchange or give, and the kids bring squirt guns, and get soaked. We always have a good time. This time a new person to our community organized it, so this will be a neat treat, to meet her, and her family, while having a good time seeing everyone.

Thursday, I will probably be taking the kids to Night at the Museum 2, by myself, as Scott has to work, but they really want to see it while it's in town.

Saturday, is chicken pick-up day, and later that night I will be scrapbooking with friends.

Mornings will be filled with schoolwork. We are hitting it heavy the next two weeks so we can finish before Skaterboy starts driver's ed at the high school on the 10th. Our local high school allows homeschooled students to take driver's ed during the summer, if there is room. There was, so we signed him up. I want him to be done with school by then so he can concentrate solely on driver's ed. Both boys are close to being done. I have to say that I too am excited to start my summer vacation.

Hope you have a great week!

Just Another Day In Paradise!

Okay, so today is Sunday, right? Well, normally we would be going to church today, right? Well, we did not do that. How do I say that I played hooky from church today? Is that sacrilegious? Undoubtedly God will forgive the fact that I skipped church today, and that I just wanted to stay home with my family. Call me selfish if you must, but I just needed that extra few hours of sleep today. I'm not sure why.

This past week was so busy, and I just haven't been able to catch up with my sleep deprived body. It's been chaotic, to say the least. Scott's been working most of the week without a break, and does so until Tuesday, which leaves me to handle the young ones on my own. This in itself is not bad, but can be crazy from time to time, when your 5 year old acts more like a 2 year old would, at times.

Have you ever forgotten that you had to be somewhere important, until about 5 minutes before you are supposed to be there? This happened to me last week. I was scheduled to give a food demonstration for our 4-H club and I somehow thought that 4-H was this week, and not last. I was totally not prepared. This particular night was the last night of our 12 week bible study we had been doing at church, so I was pretty much focused on that. I arrived at the bible study only to find out that we did in-fact have 4-H that night, and leaving my oldest child at bible study, I took off like a lightning bolt toward home, to pick up what supplies I needed, and then to the 4-H extension office to drop off some of the stuff, and to tell them that I would be back in 15 minutes, because I had to run to the store to pick up more ingredients. Crazy... let me tell you.

Then, last Sunday no one was able to pick up the teenagers from the church retreat they went to, so they asked me to do it. Fine, I said I would, since my child was part of the group. Said church retreat was 2 hours away, I had never been there, but was able to ride along on the way up, to see where I needed to go. Last Sunday it rained buckets. Said church retreat was down a long dirt road, which had literally turned to mud before my eyes. Thinking I was pretty smart, I pulled into a parking spot in the grass. This turned out to be a bad mistake. The ground was soft, and my tires sunk in "you guessed it, Mud..." It took 5 gracious and muddy men to push and pull my van out. I then rode home with 7 teenagers, who watched "Over The Hedge" on our portable DVD player all the way back home. It's the only DVD that was in the van. Go figure.

The next day, we were asked by some friends at church if Scott and I could witness their will for them, so we met them at the lawyers office, and did that. This got Scott and I to talking about writing a will for ourselves, and so we went back to our friend's office (who just happens to be a lawyer, himself) and started a worksheet of sorts, for our will. I don't believe that we got very far with the whole thing, because there just was so much to discuss and decide. We are still discussing and deciding. Our friends are currently on a cruise, hence the updated will that needed to be witnessed.

Then Tuesday, I almost forgot, Scott and I drove up to Bolingbrook, IL for the Simply Charlotte Mason Seminar. We stayed at the Sheratan there, and had a fabulous time. The hotel was great, our room was great, everything was great! We arrived in Bolingbrook, about 3 hours before the conference was scheduled to start, so I thought it might be nice to visit IKEA. Yes, I said IKEA!!! Oh my word, that is my favorite store. I have been wanting to go there for 2 years now, but didn't know that there even was one in Illinois. When booking the hotel on-line, I noticed that there was in fact an IKEA there. Every person I have ever talked to that has been to IKEA in the past, has recommended this store to me. It was so cool! I totally fell in love with the bright colors, the kid's department is fabulous, I just can't say enough. Well, if you know me, I had to buy something. I ended up buying the cutest red children's table to go with their little brown chairs my mom gave me. The table was $12.99 people. How could I pass that up? I then saw the brightest and cutest place settings for children. Not that my kids need more plates, cups, and silverware, but I could not pass up the bright happy colors. The $1.99 price tag for each set didn't hurt too much either. I mean what is cuter than eating lunch on an orange plate, with an orange bowl, and an orange cup, and orange silverware? I digress.

Oh yeah, the conference... I was so excited to meet Sonya Schaffer in person. Wow!!! That is like meeting a movie star for us Charlotte Mason homeschooling moms. In case you don't know, she is the author of many Charlotte Mason based homeschooling books, and heads up the website Simply Charlotte Mason.com. The conference was held at a church, with around 30 people in attendance. It was so good! I learned so much that night. Have I been practicing what I have learned? Well, it is a work in progress. The conference was titled: Laying Down The Rails, and Reaching Your Child's Heart. I will go into more detail on the conference on a later post, as I need to go cook supper. Super conference though. I would attend another one by her, in a heartbeat, and homeschoolers it cost $7. to attend, and Scott was free. How's that for a deal?

Oh and speaking of supper, we ate at this awesome Chinese restaurant there, near our hotel. I ordered the crispy walnut shrimp and scallops. Oh my, it was wonderful. So was the pina colada, I had, in a coconut cup of all things. The walnuts were sugar coated, and the shrimp and scallops were in some sort of a white sauce. When I got home, I looked up the recipe on the Internet. I found it! Yummo! Guess what we are having for dinner tonight? You guessed it! I told Matt that he had to try it. I just knew that he would love it! I have already sugar coated the walnuts, and the shrimp is thawed. We are not having scallops because they are too expensive, and not necessary. The shrimp was the best part anyway. Oh and tons of broccoli florets. The white sauce is actually made with evaporated skim milk. So it's non-fat. I will post the recipe soon, if it's as yummy as the restaurants.

Well, today has been a cleaning, computer, lazy type day. If you read the negative post about our dog, I posted yesterday, I deleted it. She takes off so many times when the door is left open. It's been frustrating hunting her down for the past week, and then she disappeared for 28 hours. I truly needed today to rest. God forgive me.

Before I go, I have to tattle on Thumbody, who mistook sunscreen for hand soap this afternoon, and squirted it all over himself, and the bathroom counter, while I was cleaning up the family room. It's just another day in paradise!

More Things Breaking.

Well, what can I say? Our used dryer we purchased for $50 a month ago, is shot. I guess you get what you pay for. Scott's truck is still in need of a new brake line, and Scott still doesn't have a job. I am still waiting for my appointment with my GI doctor. This week is busier than anything, you could ever imagine.

We have quite a bit of snow, and the kids want to go sledding. I am expected at a friend's house very shortly, and then we really need to get to the library. I still need to get groceries. My laundry is piling up again. What next? I don't think I really want the answer to that.

Scott just left to return the dryer belt to the appliance store where he bought it this morning. Something else is wrong, that he can't seem to fix. I am at a loss as well. Do I hang a clothesline in my laundry room? I guess they did that years ago. I could also hang them by the fireplace, and maybe they would dry. I guess I have a few options. Ones I don't really like, but none-the-less.

Truthseeker has a dentist appointment on Thursday for sealents, and I have an appointment on Friday for a sinus infection (I think?) We also have playgroup on Friday. I think we will be a little late. Oh, and Thursday morning I am scrapbooking with a friend. We had school during the public school's snow days last week, so I figure I can take a mental health day, and call off school. Of course in honor of Martin Luther King Jr., we don't have school today.

I guess I better get off the computer, and assess the dryer situation a bit better. Life goes on.

Hopes and Fears

I am not sure how to start this post, as I am fearful of what I am going to have to reveal to you here. Sometimes I find that I am fearful of life, and fearful of death. The unexpected really scares the pee out of me.

Since Christmas I have been feeling the all too familiar feeling in my throat that I get when my Beret's Esophagus starts acting up. It's a tightness in my throat that makes it hard to swallow and (feels) like I can't breathe. I put feels in parenthesis because I can breathe, but it just feels like I can't. It feels like I have a huge rubber band around my neck, constricting my airways, and making it hard to function normally. To top that off, it always gives me terrible migraines, and really puts me in a bad mood.

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling worse than ever. So bad in fact, that I called my doctor. My GP, mind you. I have to tell you what the dumb receptionist said, because I can not for the life of me understand what this world is coming to, when it comes to our young adults today.

I told the receptionist what my problem was, and that I needed to make an appointment. She then asked me how to spell Beret's. Fine question, not many people have heard of the disorder. Then proceeded to ask me how to spell esophagus. I said to her, "you don't know how to spell esophagus?" It's phonetic. She said, "I'm sorry, I'm just a receptionist." I thought to myself, yes you are, but you work in a doctor's office, and the esophagus is part of the human body, therefore you should know how to spell this. Then she said, "Can you spell it for me?" I did, but the teacher in me so badly wanted to tell her to LOOK IT UP!

Well, the doctor was busy, and I was feeling really bad at this time, so I called a gastro clinic in town. I am not a patient there, and our insurance states we need a referral from a GP to get an appointment there. Of course they knew how to spell "esophagus" and told me to go to the ER. So Scott took me to the ER and we sat there for 6 hours. I told them exactly what my problem was and that I needed my esophagus dilated. Before too long, a RNP came in and told me they wanted to do a neck x-ray. I have had these before, and they always reveal nothing. Why? because the problem is in my esophagus (on the inside) not the outside. But I decided to be a cooperative patient, and did as I was told. As I knew it would, the x-ray came out normal. Then the RNP came in and swabbed my throat for Strep. I don't have Strep, I know I don't have it, as I have had it many times in my life, and know what that feels like. This was not it, I again told her it was my Beret's that was bothering me. I waited 3 more hours, but in the meantime Scott and I decided to watch some mindless TV since there was nothing else to do. I never watch the show, "YES DEAR", but we decided to watch it yesterday. The main character in the show kept blaming God for everything was going wrong in his life. He lost his job, his house had toxic mold, and then termites on top of that. He had to live with his BIL who he didn't like. Everything was going wrong for him, and he was angry at God for everything going wrong. Boy, didn't that sound familiar. That was exactly what I have been doing lately. Saying "what next, God", "what next?"
Blaming Him for everything that is going wrong in our lives right now. It looked so ridiculous on the TV, and I realized for the first time how ridiculous I have become doing the very same thing. That was definitely a wake up call.

So back to the ER visit. After we had been there for 6 hours (I am not exaggerating), we got there at 11 a.m. and left around 5 p.m. It was almost a total waste of time. I will tell you in a minute why I feel it was almost a total waste of time. At about 5 p.m. the RNP comes back in and tells me that they are going to send me home and set me up with an appointment with an ENT doctor. I had enough of them not listening to me. I said to her, "Why am I being referred to an ENT doctor when I need to see a Gastroentologist?" She said, "Well, you said that your throat hurt." I then replied, " I said that my throat hurt due to my Beret's Esophagus. I need to see a gastroentologist so he can do an endoscopy and open my throat up. Your throat closes when you have Beret's." Thoroughly embarrassed she left the room, and sent a nurse back in to tell me that I was scheduled with a gastro doctor this morning at 9:45 a.m. At 7 p.m. last night, after we were home, I turned my cell phone back on (it was off, due to the ER visit) and there was a message left at 4:45 from the gastro office saying that my appointment was moved to Monday at 1 p.m. We were still at the hospital at 4:45. Go figure...

I guess my biggest fear through all of this is that I have needed to go back to the gastro doctor for a recall endoscopy since July. I knew it, and I never went. I vaguely recall my last gastro doctor telling me a couple years ago after my last endoscopy that there was an area of concern on my esophagus, but it wasn't cancer, and that he would keep an eye on it. Well, since then our insurance has changed, and I was forced to find another gastro doctor, which I didn't until now. So, I am 6 months late for my gastro visit, and am a bit worried. My Beret's has never lasted this long before, nor has it ever been this bad before. The other thing that worries me is that the postcard I got from my old gastro doctor says that it was the 2nd notice he sent out regarding the recall endoscopy. Why does it say that, as I don't remember getting a postcard reminder before that. Was I supposed to see him at 1 year? I can't remember. I am sick with worry that I may have esophageal cancer, even though it is rare in Beret's cases. So you see, I am very scared.

Last night after we got home, I watched the special with Barbara Walters about Patrick Swayze's pancreatic cancer. Scott's dad died of the disease a year and a half ago. He was so upbeat about his condition, although I could see the same tell-tale signs Scott's dad had, that he was clearly dying. He was upbeat though, and refused to believe that his time was up.

I know that none of us know when our time will be up. I am hoping that I have plenty of time left to see my children grow up, and get to see my grandchildren, and great grandchildren. I have so much I want to do yet. I am not ready to leave this earth yet. I am scared that I waited too long, and for no good reason, other than I forgot about taking care of myself, because I was taking care of other people in my life.

All week I have been watching Oprah. I am not really an Oprah fan, because I feel she has some really screwed up views on Spirituality. I do like it when she has the medical doctors on, but her show yesterday, made me turn the channel. I will tell you more about that tomorrow.

Please pray for me, that I have not waited to long; that Scott finds a good job soon; and that nothing else breaks for quite awhile. Scott's truck is now in need of new brake line on his truck, which we cannot afford right now. It's always something, isn't it. But, I will no longer blame God for letting all these things happen. At least I learned something yesterday.

Better still...

Whew... Today is much better than the last few days I've had. I won't lie and say that there are not some things that are bothering me right now, but at least I'm okay with the situation for right now.

God has revealed to me some things that He wanted me to understand. A lot of spiritual things actually, and I can breathe again.

Our first day back at school went quite well, and the kids actually accomplished quite a bit. Hopefully this consistency will continue until the end of school this year. We still have a lot of information to cover before then. It's going to be a challenge, but one I hope through God's help I can complete.

Skaterboy's attitude was much better today. Way better than the past few days anyway. He did his schoolwork as diligently as any teenager, and was allowed to go to a friends house afterward.

Scott has been filling his time with projects around the house, and helping me clean and such. I am truly enjoying his being home, but I would be lying if I said that I am not at all worried about his finding a job.

It's such a sticky situation. I am wondering if they offer help in finding employment to people who once had and IEP when they were in school? For those of you who don't know what an IEP is, it's a Individual Education Plan. Scott was in special classes all through school, and was diagnosed as a child with very mild mental retardation. Most people don't notice it, but I am able to notice it. It's really more of an annoyance to me, but it certainly makes things more difficult around here.

I guess my biggest fears are that no one will hire him. You see, every job he has ever had in his life, he knew someone working there, and that is why he was hired. Word of mouth from other people. Don't get me wrong, Scott is an extremely hard worker. He can be a work-a-holic. He will stay at any job until it gets done. When he has a job he sticks with it. He has worked a total of 4 jobs since I met him, and has never been fired. He has wonderful recommendation letters from former employers and co-workers, however the world tends to judge people by their appearances, and not by their job skills a lot of times. I'm not saying that my husband is ugly. I think he is very attractive, in so many ways, but even well-meaning family members have said things to me about his appearance, that were just plain rude and hurtful, to tell you the truth. Of course they don't say it to his face, but behind his back to me, later on. If only they knew the type of person he really is. He does have a good heart, and is truly generous in most circumstances. I bit too generous sometimes, and too trusting. He is an easy target for people to take advantage, pick on.

I have to be honest and say that I am not always patient with him. In fact, I usually get frustrated with him at least once every day. I know it's not his fault, but a lot of times I feel like I have to be the one parenting everybody in our home. Let me tell you, it's exhausting. It makes me sad too, that I won't ever have a meaningful relationship with him, like other married couple's have. I think that is why I am having so much difficulty reading the book, "Created to Be his Help Meet". I don't think he is capable of being the head of our household. I'm not saying this to be mean. I seriously don't think it's possible, and it makes me so very sad, because I want him to be.

It's embarrassing telling everyone we know about his problems because I don't want to embarrass him, or have them act differently around him. I wonder how noticeable it really is to others, or if I am noticing it more because I know him the best.

I know in my heart that God wants the best for our family. I'm scared though. I know I need to trust Him, and maybe that's why He's been testing me so often lately. I haven't been very trusting in Him, and He has never failed me. He has always been consistent in his promises in my life. So why am I having difficulty trusting in Him?

I guess I will have to wait for Him to reveal that answer to me as well. Until then I must faithfully wait.

The "JOY" in today

Oh boy, if I say that this weekend was completely awful, I am not making an understatement. If I could have run away yesterday, I surely would have. If I am being honest here, I will say that I waited until Saturday night to complete my lesson plans for Sunday school yesterday. I haven't spent as much time preparing and praying, like I had intended to, when taking on this commitment to the church.

Skaterboy has been staying up way too late lately, texting this girl he likes until all hours, and doing things he really shouldn't be doing. I've been lazy, and over their 2 week school break, I have selfishly been doing the things I wanted to do, instead of paying much attention to him. Thus the whole rebellious attitude, and heir of entitlement that he feels is justified.

Yesterday morning, we all woke up for church, except Skaterboy, who was complaining (once again) that he didn't feel good, and didn't want to go to church. We continually prompted and persuaded (yelled) at him to get out of bed, to no avail. He continued to mouth off, and at one point told me to go to H... Yes, very nice, don't you think? Then (for the 3rd time) this month, he said he was leaving. Where he thought he was going to go, I am unsure, but in the 3 weeks he has been 16, he has been absolutely unbearable. Worst attitude and language I have heard in his whole life. I don't know if when he turned 16 he felt he was entitled to act and talk like an adult (to which I must add, that on a small occasional basis, these words to get said in our home, by Scott and I in the heat of anger.... to which I am not at all proud). At any rate, they are not words that are heard every day, or every month even, and they most definitely come out of my husband's mouth more than they come out of mine.

So, being that we were almost late for Church and I had to teach class, we left without him. I was so agitated in the van on the way to church, that I snapped at my husband, who retaliated, by snapping back. Boy oh boy, wasn't Satan happy. When we got to church, my husband had tears in his eyes, and I silently walked into my Sunday school class, in which two of my own children (who were also in the van) are my students. How do you go from screaming, yelling mom 2 minutes before to sweet and happy teacher once inside? I can't answer that question, but I did it. After Sunday school, Scott and I, with our anger subsided, sat through the church service happily, just like one happy little family. The sermon yesterday was all about salvation, and what true salvation really means, and how it changes us, and how some people claim that they have salvation, but really don't. So I got to thinking, am I really saved? Well, yes, my answer was yes, I do believe that I am truly saved, with all my flaws and everything. I do believe that Scott is also saved, with all his flaws and everything. Now I got to thinking about our 16 year old, who was baptized 2 years ago, and I wondered whether he was saved or not. My answer reflected what I had felt in my heart for a long time, but had not allowed myself to accept. I didn't think he really was. Was it my fault? What was I doing wrong? Well, a lot of things. You see, I have been told by my parents that I am a very strict parent, so I in turn thought that I was indeed a very strict parent. I don't let my kids run around outside without supervision; I don't let them go every place they want, and with friends we don't know well. We have rules at home (to which I am not always consistent) but there are rules, and they get disciplined if they need it. So all in all, I thought I was a strict parent. Maybe even too strict, at times.

After church, I started talking to our minister about our problems with Skaterboy that morning, and my concerns about his salvation, and well pretty much everything I typed above, except for the swearing parts... He doesn't need to know that. Anyway, he said that he thought we were not strict enough with our children. This took me by surprise, because I thought we were. Then he said something profound. This may not be his exact words, but this is what I got out of what he said. Something I had not thought of. We have been putting so many restrictions on our kids regarding their outside involvement, that we have completely forgotten about limiting the things they are doing inside our home. Our family unit was being destroyed piece by piece, mainly by our teenager. Now, it's easy to place all of the blame on him, but that would not be truthful. Most of it is my fault. It's hard to admit, but it's true. Our minister said that it's easy for people to come to church every Sunday and present themselves as the "perfect happy family" when in fact on the inside they are dying inside with anger, hate, and unforgiveness. Boy oh boy, when God wants the truth revealed, he isn't always sweet about it. Then our minister prayed with Scott and I that we could find peace in this time of turmoil, and that he would reveal a better way for us.

I have to say it helped. When we got home from church, it got really ugly (which I knew it would) with Skaterboy. He was still laying in bed when we got home, and first of all, we took his cell phone to which he didn't give to us until after I told him that it didn't matter if he gave it to us because we would simply suspend his line (if I told you why we took his cell phone, you would be completely and utterly shocked, as I was) and told him that we would be limiting his use to his Xbox, and his laptop. Then he came unglued, and shouted at me that because he bought the Xbox himself, that it was against the law for me to take it, that it was stealing. Honestly, I didn't know the answer to that, although I suspected he was wrong. So I called the sheriff's dept. and asked them. Skaterboy was shocked that I actually called, he didn't believe me that I would. The deputy told me that I had every right to take away anything that belonged to him, and went as far as to say that if I wanted to throw the Xbox against the wall and smash it, as long as I didn't hit him with it, that I was perfectly just in doing so. He also said that I could prevent him from getting his driver's license, and after he has his license, that I can call the secretary of state and have it revoked, if he decides he won't obey our rules. When everything that the deputy said was revealed to Skaterboy, he changed his tune, and decided to listen to what we had to say.

The intention was not to take away everything he owned, but to place limits on everything, not only for him, but for the whole family, myself included. We are all very distracted by electronic devices in our home. The TV, video game systems, the laptop, cell phones, etc. Our family unit is crumbling. We all need structure. Consistent structure.

This morning we all sat down and created agreed upon time limits for everyone regarding the electronic toys in our home. It's been working so far, and we have managed to spend a lot more time together doing stuff, then in the past. It's going to be tough to be consistent. I knew this going into it, but I trust that this is God's plan, so I will work hard to try to do my part. Everyone is now planning on a board game to play after dinner. Of course I am recording John and Kate plus 8 on the DVR. I will watch it later, after the kids are in bed.

Journal date ... Jan. 2, 2009

Why is it that I struggle with so many things? Mainly spiritual issues. I think that people don't like me, and I can't figure out why. I like me, I think my motives and what I believe in is always true and genuine. I try so hard to do what's right, but feel like everyone in this world is fighting against what's right. I feel like they are resigned to thinking that nothing is a big deal anymore. Unacceptable things are now acceptable. My own son is reigned to this type of thinking, and it scares me. I question myself constantly about the parenting decisions I have made, but in my heart I feel like God is telling me I am handling the situation right. I do admit to the fact that I lose my patience quite often, when my family doesn't agree with me, which I know is a sin. I know I rebel against God, many times. I can be on the lazy side when I am feeling overwhelmed and feeling like my life is like a puzzle with the pieces all mixed up in a pile. With me left trying to figure out or systematically prioritize what piece goes first, second, third... Some days I just retreat to my escape mechanisms and go read a book, watch mindless TV, or get on the computer, Which serves no great purpose for my family or myself.

The worst part is that I can't find anyone to relate to. I am very lonely. It seems that most of my friends have problems that are much bigger than my own, and more time is spent talking about their problems and mine don't ever come to the surface. Either that or they don't seem to understand that I have any problems at all. Believe me, I have huge ones.

I can't even talk to my mom or sisters about these things because all they do is empathize, and have not answers for me. Mainly because they are in the same boat I am in, and are dealing with much the same issues I struggle with. I am not looking for empathy, but looking for someone to systematically help me get out of this slump that I pretend doesn't exist, when I am around other people.

Simple Journaling Jan. 1 and 2, 2009

This year I have decided to be completely honest about my feelings on this blog. This may turn some people off, but because hardly anyone reads this anyway, I thought I would start using my blog as a journal, and possible learn something in the process. Some things I type may not be pretty, but they are my pure and honest thoughts, feelings, and strongholds that control my life.

Jan. 1, 2009

Happy New Year Self! I am pondering the past year, and my life in general at this moment and wondering why it has taken me so very long to learn some things that others it takes no time at all really, to learn. At a much younger age anyway.

For instance, why has it taken me so long to learn the importance of my children's individuality? To look at them as individual human beings with ideas and opinions of their own, not just mine for the molding. I have wasted so much precious time and missed so much of their delightful lives. Skaterboy has 3 more years left with me and I sometimes feel like I have missed so much of his growing up.

Also, it has taken me so long to learn to prioritize and keep a schedule. I never really heard of the principle, " If it doesn't help me grow spiritually, or the whole family can't do it, it's not necessary", until recently. If I had heard it a few years back, I might not have wasted so much time. Would I have learned something from it, back then?

The quote in my compendium journal today reads:

"Change occurs when one becomes what she is, not when she tries to become what she is not." Ruth P. Freedman

So, what do I know for sure about myself, that I am definitely not?

1. A great housekeeper/organizer.
2. A wonderfully outgoing people person.
3. A well educated teacher.
4. An extremely patient wife/mother.
5. A great money manager.

What I most certainly know I am:

1. A great and loyal friend who never h as an agenda attached to the friendship.
2. A very strong person when it comes to major catastrophes, but not so good at handling the minor stuff.
3. A faithful and loyal wife, who loves her husband more than herself, even though I don't show it, all the time.
4. A mother who wants to be completely involved in her children's lives, so that someday when they look back, they will say that they had a wonderful childhood.
5. A person who loves a clean and organized home, but has digressed to the fact that when people live in a house all day, it will be a rare occasion that I will be able to delight in this reality.
6. A person who loves teaching and reading to the kids. It brings me so much joy and peace to know that they are home with me.

What is truly important in this life?

It's so hard to put into words sometimes what we feel deep inside. Sometimes our vision gets clouded by the many burdens that we carry day to day. We lose sight of our blessings. It's been a difficult Summer to say the least. Maybe not as difficult as last Summer, but internally difficult for me. Last Summer I spent a lot of time sinning. I was angry at a lot of things that had happened, and angry because I could not control what was going on in my very own family. I felt lost. Scott's dad had died in May, and left us with 3 more family members to help take care of. Not what I had in mind. They became a burden to me, and I hated them for it. I was not getting the nurturing that I needed at church, so I turned from God. I can't really blame the church, because I hadn't really asked for any nurturing for myself. I had lost friends, because I chose not to keep in touch. I found myself angry at the world, and God, while I had 3 beautiful blessings here on earth, with me, that I feel I emotionally forgot about. Oh, they were given lots of hugs and kisses, and of course (as I am their teacher), were taught what they needed to know, for their grade level. I just wasn't emotionally there. I had sinned dearly, and God was punishing me, or so I thought.

I remember quite a few months back, thinking that I would never be able to escape the desolation that I felt. I began reading book after book, looking for answers. I read the Bible, and searched in there for the answers. Some answers were revealed through those sources. I still felt lost, missing out on the blessings before me. I needed a change. I made it sound like the family needed a change, but really it was me. We changed churches. This helped a little. Still feeling sorry for myself, and burdened, I persisted in my struggle. Why wasn't God taking these burdens from me? I kept trying to give them to him, but why wasn't he accepting them? Maybe it was because I wasn't truly giving them to him, and I didn't recognize that they weren't burdens, but blessings.

I have recently realized, that compared to a lot of people's lives, mine has been pretty blessed, thus far. It hasn't been perfect, but it has definitely been blessed. I can choose to feel depressed and beaten down by the things I can't control, or I can take the time to feel blessed with what we have, whether I receive any other blessings in life, or not. It's my choice.

So, for today, I am saying goodbye for now. I need to spend more time with my kids. We need to unplug, and make memories together. Today, I read on another woman's blog (who recently experienced tragedy) that we need to dust off those video cameras, and film as much as we can, before it's too late. I am going to do just that.

If you're anything like me, you always weigh your decisions. So many times, I haven't called or visited someone I love, because I felt guilty about spending the money to do so. Scott and I have changed vacation plans so many times, because I felt that a certain trip was beyond our budget, and that a cheaper destination would be better. When we returned home, I always felt a little disappointed in the outcome, because it wasn't our original plan. I always felt like I wasn't worth spending a little extra on. I can't recall the last new thing I purchased for myself. Wait, I know, a $1 pair of flip flops at Walmart. I need to remember myself also. It's so easy to type things out of books, and suggestions that I someday want to try, but never do. I need to start living my life. I really do. I need to laugh out loud, I need to love with all my heart, and I need to mostly trust in God. Nothing is really important on this earth, but Him. None of this would even be here, if it weren't for Him. What we have, or what we own, doesn't matter one little bit. I think I finally know what my purpose is. Yay!!!

Thinking Outside The Box

I will have to admit that I am not one who likes to think outside the box, and lately I have been doing a lot of that. I recently completed a wonderful book called The Hidden Art of Homemaking by Edith Schaeffer, and am now about 3/4 of the way through For The Families Sake by her daughter Susan Schaeffer Macaulay. Both are wonderful books, although I think that The Hidden Art of Homemaking suggests more concrete ideas, than For The Families Sake. I haven't read For The Children's Sake yet, by the same author, but I have heard that it is a great homeschooling resource. I will refer to The Hidden Art of Homemaking first, as it is fresh in my mind, and I have completed the book. Basically, it gives you the encouragement you need to create beauty where ever you are. In every room of your house, every hotel you visit. It suggests that you take a bit of "homey" beauty with you. It states that beauty can be expressed through music, books read aloud, home decor, fashion, food... you name it. Now these suggestions are not Martha Stewart suggestions, although most of us would secretly like to be as creative as she. These suggestions are down to earth, and deal with the fact that we are able to create beauty with what we have, because at some point in time, these things were beautiful to us, otherwise we wouldn't have them to begin with. It also suggests that creating beauty from things we are tired of, will give us a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. For example, a table that needs to be refinished can be made into a new beautiful piece of furniture without much money at all, just a little elbow grease. A few rooms can be brightened with fresh flowers from the grocery store. It's all in separating and arranging them. Framed children's artwork, can be works of beauty on your walls. Gentle music played in the background can set a calming mood for your day. Basically, thinking outside the box, with the things you have right now, and either rearranging them, or making something new with them.

Now, I am not saying that we should never get rid of anything, because that would be just nuts, but I am saying that living with what we have vs. buying new stuff, makes sense to me.

So I started making changes in my home. The kids have been painting pictures, and I have repainted some decorative pieces that I had that were not matching my current color scheme. The kids and I have been studying famous artists, Shakespeare, and listening to the great composers. It's been fun. I will post some photos later today.

Creating your own creative outlet is something that Ms. Schaeffer suggests, in any area that excites you. It is scrapbooking for me. It kind of relates to what Stacy Julian of Simple Scrapbooks always says. "To challenge yourself, you need to think outside the box." She always says that in order to make scrapbooking a fun hobby, you have to give yourself a challenge, and complete it. So I decided that I was going to create some scrapbook pages using only scraps of leftover paper and cardstock. I left my usual scrap room, and grabbed my Rubbermaid tub (that is full) of scraps, adhesive, a box of generic stickers and embellishments, scissors, a few markers, a stapler, and went to the kitchen table. I hunted for papers that went together, and attached them, and made quite a few beautiful pages. Pages that I am sure I would not have completed without challenging myself. Best of all, it was fun. Very fun. More fun than I had had in a long time scrapbooking. I feel that it is important for those of us who stay at home, to challenge ourselves in many areas, in order to feel fulfilled.

Cooking... Last night, I decided to challenge myself in the kitchen. We are running a little low and groceries, and payday isn't until next week, so on Sunday, I made a list of everything we had in our pantry and freezer, so I could figure out what I could make with what I had. So last night, I made turkey meatballs, "real" risotto (takes forever to make, but was really really good...), and fresh cauliflower. I also made a Jello cake for dessert. I probably would not have made any of those things without challenging myself.

Yesterday for breakfast, I made homemade oatmeal, with cinnamon, brown sugar, and applesauce. This morning I was less enthusiastic, and we had strawberry yogurt with Grape Nuts on top. I also made bran and banana nut muffins from mixes I had on hand.

It's all about trying to be content with what we have. I read that on Merranda's blog, and have been meaning to tell her that those words are so encouraging for all of us, in our throw-away society. It's so important for us to do our part.

Have a GREAT DAY!!!

Sorry I've been MIA...

I have actually been pretty busy. We have been buckling down with the kid's schoolwork, and trying to fit in everything we have needed to accomplish for the year. I don't teach during the Summer so the kids actually get a break from school, like all their friends that are not homeschooled. Looks like we will be through the first or second week of June. For those of you who are wondering. Skaterboy will be going to his grandparent's house in Missouri for some of the Summer to help his Papa wire houses. This will be quite an experience for him as it is officially his first "real" job.

A few weeks ago, I got the chance to explore Decatur a little with a friend of mine, and we had a wonderful time window shopping, and just touring the town. I told Scott I wanted to go to Decatur for Mother's Day and take the kids to the zoo, and have a picnic lunch at the park. I have discovered that they have the best playground and picnic area there. The playground is all made of wood, and it is simply huge. There are lots of levels, like a giant fort, with lots of fun things to do inside. I just think the young ones will love it. I hope the weather is nice.

Tomorrow is our annual homeschool coop picnic at the park. It will be fun to see the kids run around and enjoy themselves with each other. I know I am sounding bias, but homeschooled kids are just so friendly and polite. They are kids that you just want your own kids to hang out with. Not that nonhomeschooled kids are bad, some are just as wonderful. Skaterboy's best friend who lives down the road, is one of the most polite boys I have ever met, and I believe I would trust him in any situation. He is perfect for Skaterboy to hang out with. He has been a great influence on Skaterboy, and has influenced his behavior and attitude in a good way. Skaterboy has been friends with him for about 4 years now, as he attends the school that Skaterboy used to attend, and was in the same class.

Monday, my friend Michelle is coming over, and we are going to redesign my yard. Michelle has a degree in landscaping, and I am so excited to see what she has planned. Scott has been busy tilling up different areas so I am able to plant what I need to when she get here. I know she has quite a few extra perennials for me. It will definitely take work, but I am excited to see the end result. I just planted Pansies in my 2 big planters out front, and I plan to plant my vegetable garden next week. Of course, the kids always like to plant their own little patch, for which I have enjoyed letting them do for the past few years. Two years ago, Truthseeker's little garden fared much better than mine, with certain vegetables. I just love the Summertime, and gardening, and just being outside. Don't you?

I think I will go now, I need to get busy with other stuff. Saturday morning, Skaterboy and I are sneaking out of the house to go mushroom hunting out in the woods. Last week, when he was out exploring with a friend, he came home with a plastic grocery bag half full of Morels. They were so good. We plan to spend a couple hours out there getting what we can before the season ends.

By for now! Amy