Friday, January 2

Journal date ... Jan. 2, 2009

Why is it that I struggle with so many things? Mainly spiritual issues. I think that people don't like me, and I can't figure out why. I like me, I think my motives and what I believe in is always true and genuine. I try so hard to do what's right, but feel like everyone in this world is fighting against what's right. I feel like they are resigned to thinking that nothing is a big deal anymore. Unacceptable things are now acceptable. My own son is reigned to this type of thinking, and it scares me. I question myself constantly about the parenting decisions I have made, but in my heart I feel like God is telling me I am handling the situation right. I do admit to the fact that I lose my patience quite often, when my family doesn't agree with me, which I know is a sin. I know I rebel against God, many times. I can be on the lazy side when I am feeling overwhelmed and feeling like my life is like a puzzle with the pieces all mixed up in a pile. With me left trying to figure out or systematically prioritize what piece goes first, second, third... Some days I just retreat to my escape mechanisms and go read a book, watch mindless TV, or get on the computer, Which serves no great purpose for my family or myself.

The worst part is that I can't find anyone to relate to. I am very lonely. It seems that most of my friends have problems that are much bigger than my own, and more time is spent talking about their problems and mine don't ever come to the surface. Either that or they don't seem to understand that I have any problems at all. Believe me, I have huge ones.

I can't even talk to my mom or sisters about these things because all they do is empathize, and have not answers for me. Mainly because they are in the same boat I am in, and are dealing with much the same issues I struggle with. I am not looking for empathy, but looking for someone to systematically help me get out of this slump that I pretend doesn't exist, when I am around other people.

No comments: